


no light, no light (in your bright blue eyes)

by makemelovely



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, POV Second Person, Red Kryptonite Kara Danvers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 06:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11202618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: i never knew daylight could be so violent





	no light, no light (in your bright blue eyes)

**Author's Note:**

> I got the title from the song No Light No Light by Florence and the Machine.
> 
> Unedited.

It had been in October. That was the night your life changed. For the better, the worst. Everything in between. You had walked Kara home, her too hot fingers wrapped tightly around your too cold ones. It worked for you two. It was opposites and in the back of your mind you liked that about you two.

You were the woman who had built yourself out of the cold glares of the mansion you grew up in, and the flashes of sunlight your mother had given you to grow. Grow, yes, but never flourish. Not like Lex. No you were always the weeds growing from the quick beams the sun gave you. Lex was the roses, the daisies, the sunflowers. Everything that could be beautiful he was. He grew up warm and content and you grew up fighting for scraps of sun and bleeding from the thorns of Lex's roses. It was never fair, but that was okay. It was okay because 'life simply isn't fair, Lena, now stand up straighter. If you can't learn to stand properly how are you going to be respected? You can't rely on the Luthor name forever'. Sometimes those words were sharper than any thorns you had ever encountered but eventually the thorns became leaves, more of an annoyance than anything.

But Kara. Kara had seemingly grown up with everything. She was liquid light, glowing and radiating heat. She was bright and sunny and oh so clear. She was everything you never were. She was loved, deeply and truly by her family. She lived and she breathed for the ones she loves and you were lucky enough to be one of the ones she loves. Except sometimes she walks on glass. Sometimes her eyes are colder, like she's farther away. Sometimes her blue eyes (the color of the sky, bright and brilliant) go dark (the color of the water as it beats ruthlessly against the shore, right before the hurricane hits). It sends shivers down your spine and leaves you to wonder what exactly this perfect girl could have seen to burn out a little of her light. You wish you knew what had happened to her.

(You know what they say, careful what you wish for. You hadn't been careful and it shattered you later but you hadn't known. Your thirst for knowledge has always been a gift, Lena, treasure it. Well mother you were wrong. It wasn't a gift it was a curse).

The day everything changed was a Tuesday. October. The month of childish delight and soft looking mothers curling closer to softer looking children.

You had been dating Kara for three months. It had been a whirlwind. Everything was better, like you had just been dipped in high definition. Her laugh curled in your ears and settled in the air around you like perfume. Her taste settled in your mouth and wormed its way through your veins, lighting you up. It was electric. It flower in your blood and stretched lazily around your spine. It filtered just underneath your skin, and if you looked closely it was there. Like a dormant volcano, still deadly with molten lava but not overflowing. Never overflowing.

Because you had been taught to never spill and to do that you couldn't put too much. So you kept a careful lid on the metaphorical cup because you never wanted to be less than perfect when you are with Kara. You don't want to let her in and see the broken mess that slithers in your stomach and curls around your heart. Because sometimes you catch her staring at you, her eyes soft. They look so soft you could let your head rest a little on it and you would be out. You would be home.

With Kara you have something you hadn't really had before. You had a home.

Except it was built on shaky foundation. Foundation that cracked a little day after day. After you wouldn't let her see you looking not perfect. You wouldn't let her see your drive, the passion that burned feverishly in your bones when the intellect you were blessed with blossomed like lovely flowers in the spring. You kept a part of you locked away and all that was left was the Luthor in you. The cold, calculating facade that you always had. The indifferent looks. You stood straight, at all times. You never had a hair out of place, never a loose thread. You were all false advertising and you knew it but you never wanted her to know it.

But she did.

So when the Earthquake hits, it shattered the foundation and the little home you built topples, shattering and it is never rebuilt.

 

It was a rainy day when you got mugged. You had been walking, fingers wrapped in mittens because the chill of the October night air had been killing you. A wool scarf was wrapped around your neck, soft and a little itchy but you loved it because Kara had made it for you. She had handed it to you with a shy little smile, a scrunched up nose, and a blush that melted your heart. A stylish black coat hugged your body, layered over a light gray long sleeved shirt, dark wash jeans, and calf high brown boots. You looked gorgeous, and Kara had practically drooled over you.

You had been walking out in front of an alley when you felt a large hand wrap around your wrist. You screamed just as you were yanked back into the alley. If Supergirl could hear you then you were going to be fine.

"Scream again and you're dead." The voice is hot against the shell of your ear but it makes you sick. It curls into your stomach, and you almost double over to vomit. The cold metal of a gun finds its way underneath your coat, underneath your long sleeved shirt, and against pale skin.

You swallow, trying to get a feel of your surroundings. Good girl, Lena, use that brain of yours to assess the situation. After all, you need the practice since you hardly use it. You hear your mother's voice in your head, cruel and clear. She instructs you, she constructs you. She makes you everything you are. Tainting your memories with sharp hisses sometimes and kind whispers other times. It aches trying to fit this woman in a box. She is not clearly marked the villain in your mind but she is no hero. She didn't make you webs to weave she made you webs to get stuck to.

But now. Now she is almost the hero because she is saving you. You whip back into the gun, slamming all of your weight against it. It hits against your spine, a sharp shooting pain that leaves you gasping and leaves him swallowing air as much as he can. The gun had struck him in the potbelly he sported casually and you used this opportunity to drive you elbow into his neck. He dropped like stones, fingers clutching at the back of his neck and you grab the gun, pointing it firmly at him. "Don't move." You command, not blinking as he slowly straightens himself out.

"Hey now-" he starts to say, voice wobbly. He's interrupted by the swoosh of air that announces her arrival.

Kara drops down, full supersuit on. Her eyes are flashing dangerously and your heart kicks up a few notches because oh God Kara looks so beautiful in the moonlight. Her fingers whip out, knocking him unconscious with a blow that has you wincing. She hadn't held back. She had no mercy for the man who had almost gotten away with your life, firmly clutched in his ragged jacket pocket. She flies away and she's back in an instant, her fingers empty of the mugger.

She immediately wraps you in her arms, fingers moving slowly through your hair. "Oh Rao Lena." She's whimpering, burying into your side. "I almost lost you."

You pull away, hands on her cheeks. "Never." You promise, leaning up and kissing her slowly and steadily, memorizing her taste.

What do they say about famous last words?

 

What you didn't see:

Kara opening her eyes to look at you and catching the red flash. It turns out that this was no random mugging. He wanted to destroy Supergirl and he used you to do it. Kara's eyes gleam red before fading out and Kara lets it go, content to hold you.

You didn't notice anything was off. Sure she was wearing less pastel but she just said that she was getting taller and filling her stuff out. You had raised an eyebrow until she had finally ducked under your gaze, admitting that she had spilled too much food on them and hadn't wanted to do laundry. You had laughed, kissed her cheek, and promised to do the laundry that night. She had scowled, eyes glowering fiercely at you for a moment before they looked away. Your heart stuttered in your chest, an icy grip of fear shivering through you. You had never been scared of Kara, not even when you saw Supergirl matching the unbreakable beasts blow for blow. It created a twisted sense of pride in you but now anything remotely proud sent a shudder through you. You have never been scared of Kara. Until now.

 

-

 

You had been content in your office, lounging on soft plush couches and idly flicking through different news channels. It was a tad boring but you weren't ready to go back to not making headway on your latest machinery science project and it stung. That's when Alex burst in the door.

 

You liked Alex. She was a bit too much like you for your taste though. Her eyes were just a little too broken and her fists were clenched just a little too tight. She was contrasting colors all in herself. Soft but hard. Rough but gentle. Sweet but salty. She had your childhood, almost. Her dad adored her and everything about her. She loved science, math, and the stars. She was him just a lot younger and a lot more female. Her mother had never reached below the most fundamental bond you can have with a daughter. They didn't click. There was no connection. And then her dad died and her mother could not longer look at her. His eyes are now your eyes and yours alone, she always cried as she hugged Alex around the waist while her face remained pressed against Alex's stomach. And then her mother buried it and swept herself into Kara. Teaching her everything she could ever know, teaching her the customs of Earth. And Alex watched, her heart aching as the gentle swing of cold hid inside of herself.

 

You had never forgotten the story and neither had Alex. Now here she was, bursting in with startling cuts and a shaking frame. "Is-" she pants out, looking horrified and devastated. "is Kara here?" She looks shattered.

 

"No," you say slowly, quietly getting up. Your movements might appear sluggish but it is all intentional. "she's not." You words are prolonged and you softly lay a hand on Alex's arm. "Why do you ask?" Your voice is calm and for once you're glad of the extensive training you had to undergo to remain untouched to the mass public.

 

"She killed them." Dread fills the empty pit of your stomach and you aren't quite sure you're breathing. You swallow, and it feels like drinking down cotton. "She slaughtered all of the DEO. She destroyed all the sun lamps and she's running on Red Kryptonite." She's crying, her eyes wet and her cheeks running like raindrops.

"I-" you stutter over your words, feeling ice shiver down your spine. You simply don't believe anything that is Kara Danvers could hurt anybody. Except Alex would never lie to you. Never. "what?" You manage to let the words stumble off your tongue, and they dance awkwardly on your lips before they slip and tumble into the almost painfully empty space.

"She's gone." The words are blank, stated without emotion. You can clearly see that Alex is devastated, pushing the words into a state of numbness. It's sad and that is what worries you. You don't feel sad for Alex Danvers because sad is connected to pity and pity hurts more than sadness. That you know.

It almost feels good to slip into the role you know, but it also the role you hate the most. The role of the mourner. You had played it exceptionally well with Lex. You had cried for days, horrible shuddering sobs that left you in the emergency room because you were dehydrated. You wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink. It was like you were the living dead. You had just hurt so much that you had needed something else. So you threw yourself into work and eventually into Kara Danvers. You had slid softly into the world of holding Kara a little too closely, a little too tightly. It had felt good being near her. It had felt like you were trying to move into her body, trying to make yourselves one. It had ached in all the right ways and you could not, would not feel bad about it. Now though you do feel bad about it. Maybe if she hadn't loved you so much this wouldn't happen.

Your mind latches onto that thought. When had this happened? You had been with her all night after the mugging incident and she hadn't been different. Much different, you mentally amend, as you remember the fever she had. She had been a force of nature that night. She had always been moving. Fingers tapping, legs twitching. She had made you dance in the kitchen, a blur of golden hair and tanned limbs. She had spun you around the room before disappearing in a blur, always jerking. Her legs were a blur of fast paced movements while her arms were windmills of jerking movements. Sharp elbows had rammed into the counter, causing a crack to appear in the marble you cherished. You had stopped her then, with soft words and softer fingers.

She had paused, blue eyes crinkling as she observed you. And then she was kissing you. Her lips moved quickly over yours, tongue gently nudging into your mouth before reaching all over. It ached to be so close to her and her skin, which throbbed with heat. You had kissed and kissed until air became an issue for you. She had moved down your jaw, pressing rough open mouthed kisses down to your throat, where she settled her focus. She timed her kisses to beat along with your pounding pulse, and it felt like you couldn't breath.

You had whimpered and whined while she reduced you to a sweaty, needy mess. She had driven you to heaven and you had danced amongst the stars, weaving between the beauty that shone brilliantly in the sky.

But it had never compared to Kara.

Kara was golden, with blue eyes that glittered the same shade as the sky in the afternoon. Her hair was the brightest thing you could see, it ached to look at too closely. If the earth orbited the sun, then you were the earth orbiting Kara who was the sun. Always, always the sun. Now the sun has burnt out and you are all alone in this pale reflection of earth, where the sun doesn't shine and everything is cold.

You have always hated the cold. You have hated it ever since the Luthors adopted you. They had dragged you into their dark, towering mansion that seemed infinitely colder than the snow that littered the ground. You had been tugged along, your black hair cropped in a bob, your blue eyes wide with something that was somehow terror and wonder. You had cried that first night, sobbing and shaking because you knew ghosts haunted the halls and they were not all dead. Lionel meandered around, his eyes dark and sharp. He would look everywhere, eyes darting to every shadowy corner, seeking out little spots that were usually invisible to everybody else. You had trailed dirty fingernails down the banister that first day, as you walked down the stairs to dinner. You had walked carefully, as everyone else in the house had. Later your mother would tell you that you should always be careful, that your mask slipping even an inch would create a mess of ruins that would never be repaired. That had been your first lesson in being cold.

You have hated the cold ever since Lex Luthor stood trial for all the things he had done wrong. For the lives he ruined. The lives he took. You had attended the trial, pale fingers clutching harshly to the arm rests at your sides. You gripped them so hard you weren't sure they hadn't cracked. But you never let them go because you needed a life line. Before he was captured Lex had caught your arm. "Never let them see you cry." He had said, his eyes somber and his words serious. You hadn't understood until the sires came and Superman swept into the location your mother had dragged you to. They had cuffed him and Superman took him. Now he was standing trial and he was guilty. You had left the courthouse after the verdict was declared (guilty and that wasn't a surprise to anybody). You had stepped onto snow, cold and crunchy under your shoes. Reporters had jammed cameras and microphones in your face but you had pushed through them, your façade still firmly in place. You will always remember your first lesson in being cold. Your mask never slipped. Until you got home. And then you let your mask fall and you sobbed as it shattered.

It took you months to rebuild your mask and after you met Kara you hadn't needed it as much.

You have hated the cold ever since Kara stopped smiling at you. The sun didn't smile upon you and you didn't get the privilege of basking in the sunshine. You shivered alone in the snow.

Lesson two in being cold: Never let anyone see you underneath the mask. It didn't help, it was nothing but a hindirence.

You almost tell Alex that she could use some lessons in being cold but before the words pass your lips you realize that isn't appropriate. It might actually be considered slightly sociopathic. Or maybe your just in shock.

Definitely shock, you think as Alex crumbles and Kara is standing behind her in bloody clothes, and bloody hands, and reddish hair while she sports a brilliantly red smile. Her teeth look like they're stained with blood and you feel sick.

"Hello, lover." Her eyes are flinty and dark and all you can think is that the Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon you had three days ago was a bad idea.

"Kara." It's a shame that the cold lessons apparently didn't pay off because your voice is too wobbly and your eyes are streaming.

"What?" Her lips pull into a smirk and it looks all wrong on her. "Oh, I didn't kill her. I would never kill Alex." You sigh in relief before a sob jolts your body because Jesus Christ this is not Kara. "Not without torturing her first, of course." She adds, her eyes glinting with a dark delight that chills you to the bone.

"Oh, God," You moan, hands diving to your hair. You tug viciously, reveling in the sharp pangs of pain that jolt through your skull. It helps to distract you from paying attention to Kara who is clearly on a down spiral of destruction that you don't want to be a part of but you are so tightly entangled that you can't breath because the ropes are too tight.

Her eyes flash with such a brightly lit spark of rage that you wince before she even touches you. She blurs to you, her thin fingers wrapping around your delicate throat and crushing it. Your gasping, vison blurring, and mind thrumming to a slow buzzing halt and while you are dying she is talking. "There is no God, Lena! Nobody but me can even come close to claiming the title of God. I am a god and I am the only one that matters. Do you understand, lover? I am God, but more importantly I am your God, Lena. You look at me to light the stars and I do. You look at me to make the goddamn sun rise and I fucking do! I do everything that God could do, so what does that make me, Lena? Huh? It makes me a god. So praise me for saving you. Give me your worship, Lena. Gods deserve it."

You pass out and the blackness washes over you and all you can do is be thankful that you don't have to listen to that thing that is not Kara talk.

 

You wake up to Alex screaming. She's crying, and pleading for Kara to stop but all she does is laugh. Her shirt is soaked in Alex's blood and her hands are wet with red. You almost throw up.

"Kara stop!" She's shrieking.

Kara's smile is manic and her eyes are frantic. "But, Alex." She mockingly protests. "I thought we were having fun. Doing sisterly bonding and everything. Aren't we learning torture methods? How to make it last longer? To inflict the most pain? Be my big sister Alex and teach me how." She's laughing, her shoulders shaking, her mouth wide open to let her slightly crazed laughter spill out. Her eyes are bright and your heart swells because Kara looks to happy it aches.

"Go to hell." Alex spits and it is all blood.

Kara freezes, anger burning through her body so fiercely that it makes her skin vibrate with the concentration to not attack. "That won't do." She says before blinking once and taking a dagger. She takes one step and the cold metal is buried in Alex's stomach. She screams and Kara leans over, her hair drifting across her body. "Look at me." She commands and Alex does, her eyes scared and soft because this is Kara and she loves her. You understand that. Kara smiles and it is soft and it looks like nothing has happened. Her eyes paint pictures of happy ending and happy middles and happy beginnings. She has galaxies in her eyes and warmth for the sister who loved her wholeheartedly. "Your sister," Kara speaks slowly and deliberately. "killed you." She moves at a blur but you hear Alex's neck snap. You hear the bones shatter underneath Kara's hands. Her smile turns sharp, and brittle. It is broken glass and you've gotten cut on it far too many times.

You do throw up and Kara knocks you out as punishment for making a mess.

 

You live in darkness for days.

 

You live in darkness for weeks.

 

You live in darkness for months.

 

And then one day there is light.

 

Superman finds you, locked in your small cell that makes your skin crawl. He gives you a Kryptonite dagger that you will use as a last resort even though you hope it won't come to that while you know that it will. You plan your escape and he unclasps your shackles.

He yanks you down the halls though his grip is relaxed and gentle. You remember a different set of hands that belong to a girl with daylight in her eyes that hugged you too tightly but felt too bad when she accidently hurt you. You loved her and even if she was back to normal you would never love her again. She had ruined all the love you had for her, she had burned it until it couldn't be fixed. Superman led you along, ducking corner after corner and sliding smoothly down the halls like a snake. He was graceful here, like he had been here before. Perhaps he had. It made your stomach burn with anger but you set it aside. For now.

You had been walking the halls for thirteen minutes when Kara found you. She was beyond livid, you could tell. Her eyes were like flames, bright and burning. Her fingers were tightly clenched and if her bones could break they would be crushed to dust. "Kal-El." Her smile is strained and false. It clenches at your heart and you inhale softly. "I never would have guessed you would let my darling Lena go."

"You mean escape, Kara." Superman's voice is gentle. He's pleading without actually saying anything to suggest he is pleading. 

"No." She shakes her head, a smile that is cold and hot at the same time finding its way onto her face. "Give her to me and I won't rip your heart out."

"You can't." Superman shakes his head.

"Oh but I can, Clark Kent." You jerk in surprise because fuck you should have known. "Just watch me."

They move at a blur, flashes of red and blue swinging through the air at a pace that your human eyes can't follow. You can hear the wind rushing, see the figures blurring. It makes your skin itch. You don't know how long it lasts. It could lasts seconds, minutes, hours. You just don't know. Time blurs together at the speed of their bodies clashing together.

Your opportunity comes though. Kara flips over on Clark, pinning him to the ground. She's gleeful, laughing hysterically as she crows victoriously. You throw yourself at her, dagger raised to drive into her heart. She would have noticed except Clark was pulling out a gun. He fired it into Kara's chest and she jolted, her eyes wide. She gasped out, her blue eyes wide. "Lena?" She choked out and then you drove the dagger into her heart. You would have stopped but your momentum wouldn't.

You had just killed her. The woman you loved would die and it was because of you.

She collapsed on her back, anguish flooding her eyes even as she twitched and writhed against the ground when the pain was too great. "Lena," She choked out. "Lena, oh Rao, I'm sorry."

"Don't." The word is sharp and made of steel. You can't accept her apology. It hurts too much.

She's crying, her tears pouring rivers down her cheeks. "Alex." She whimpers, her eyes slowly turning blank. She stops moving. She stops breathing. She stops seeing. She stops living. It's fitting that the last name on her lips are her sisters. She would have wanted that.

You feel like you've died but you slip your mask on.

Your mask doesn't slip.

Lesson one.


End file.
